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Monday, April 29, 2013

Goofball Review of Goofball Star Trek Episode "The Man Trap"

On this week's Star Trek, the Enterprise shows up at Planet M113, which sounds like a position in Battleship, a highway in England or the guy who directed The Sixth Sense, and it gives me a great idea.  Let's all pool our money and register Planet X69 with those star registry people.  It's a much better name than M113 and it'll be funny as crap to watch the NASA briefings if a supernova goes off next door.

Planet M. Night Shamalamadingdong is hot and barren, and Kirk's wig is short and gluey.  You can tell it's an early season episode since he hasn't yet ripped the shag carpeting from his trailer and pasted it to his scalp.

Upstairs, Uhura is behind the wheel of the Enterprise.  Starfleet apparently hasn't figured out yet that chicks can only be trusted to man the radio, ugly up sickbay, carry around clipboards, and -- if duty demands it -- perform naked geriatric fan dances.

Bones is all excited to see a dame he once dated.  She's living on Planet M113 (you sunk my Klingon battleship!) with her husband where they're digging up ancient artifacts from an unrealistic desert set constructed in about five half-assed minutes on a Paramount sound stage.  The only exciting items they're likely to find in that used cat box sand will be the empty Coke can some Teamster dropped earlier that day, an ancient script from three days ago where Shatner went through and crossed out everybody else's interesting dialogue and appropriated it for himself, or DeForest Kelley's acting school rejection letter.

The dame shows up and we see from McCoy's perspective that she still looks young, from Kirk's perspective that she's old enough to perform a hip-breaking Starfleet fan dance, and from Ensign Expendable's point of view that she's a sluttier Marilyn Monroe.  Ensign Expendable leers at her and says that she reminds him of a hooker he once knew from Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, which is a better name for a planet than X69, but still needs an X in there somewhere.

Only high-ranking officers are permitted to drop their drawers and chase every skirt they see around the coffee table, so Ensign Expendable is sent outside to guard the Styrofoam walls without supper.  The old dame is out there looking like his young dame from Wrigley's Spearmint XXX Naughty Pleasure Planet, and when she tells him she's got some interesting rock formations she'd like him to excavate from under her blouse, he abandons his post and trips like an officer over his pants as he shuffles desperately after her.  (Does the Federation exist just to get all the sex addicts off Earth, because guys in Starfleet show less discipline than guys in San Francisco bath houses.  Or -- you know -- so I've heard.)

Ensign Expendable turns up dead, which comes as a real shock to me.  I thought for sure he'd retire an admiral forty years from now.  Instead, he's got a bad case of rosacea and a jellybean in his mouth.

McCoy's old squeeze claims Ensign Expendable ate the alien jellybean even though she told him it was left over from Easter two years ago and was covered with dust and pocket lint, and it killed him.  She also wants salt, if it's not too much trouble.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's something fishy about this face-changing, ensign-luring, salt-licking space dame.  I must be wrong though, because the highly trained Starfleet team, unlike me, doesn't think we should toss a net over her and poke at her with sticks until alien goo dribbles out.

Up on the ship, Bones discovers that the red polka dots all over Ensign Expendables face aren't an allergic reaction to a dusty jellybean, and that all the salt has been mysteriously sucked out of his body.  Kirk says that the salt disappearing from Ensign Expendable's body is a mystery and that he doesn't like mysteries because they give him bellyaches.  What mystery?  McCoy's squeeze wanted salt, Ensign Expendable's salt is gone.  There are only two damn dots to connect, Ellery Queen.

Kirk goes down to the planet with Ensign Expendable #2, who I'm sure figured he had it made when he didn't draw the short straw in the first five minutes of the show and thought he'd stay alive at least until next week right up until Spock came and dragged him out from under his bunk where he was hiding.  McCoy's old squeeze immediately kills Ensign Expendable #2 and not only manages to change her shape so that she looks just like him, she manages to duplicate his voice as well.  It'd save on paper and pencils if in the future the Enterprise jotted down only the aliens who can't change faces and come up with Rich Little voices to look and sound exactly like members of the crew.

McCoy's squeeze gets beamed up to the ship looking like Ensign Expendable #2, then goes running around feeling up everybody she meets for a pinch of salt.  She gropes Uhura in the hallway looking like Billy Dee Williams and sounding like Barry White, then she gooses Yeoman Rand looking like Robert Redford.  She's supposed to be an intelligent alien from a dead species, but it doesn't occur to her geniusness that rather than alert everyone to her presence on the ship by fondling everyone she meets, sucking out their salt and leaving a trail of bodies with red suction cup marks all over their faces, all she has to do now is wander down to the kitchen and ask for a box of Morton's.  Some species are so stupid they deserve to die out.  I'm looking at you, dodo bird. 

For no real reason, Sulu is hanging out downstairs with a bunch of plants, one of which looks suspiciously like a glove with flowers on it sticking up through a pot.  It even has five fingers that open and clench just like a hand.  I'm betting it was sold to Sulu by a green alien with googly eyes and no legs who lived in a garbage can.

Sulu's five-fingered puppet plant is afraid of Ensign Expendable #2 and starts screaming out of its cuticles, so he runs from the room before he can fondle Sulu's junk.

(Interesting outer space culinary fact: In the future, celery still looks like celery but has red leaves for some reason and starship captains eat crunchy plastic board game pieces for lunch.  Now back to our story.)

For some reason Bones is tired but can't sleep and Kirk suddenly sounds like a pusher for "red pills" that have no name, are stuffed in a giant unlabeled bottle, and look like "Hot Tamales" theater candy.  Kirk keeps saying, "C'mon, man, they the bomb" and "all the cool Starfleet officers are doing it" until Bones can't take the peer pressure anymore and tries one just to fit in.

While stoned Bones conveniently naps, the alien chick takes his form and starts running around the ship yelling "dammit!" and "he's dead, Jim" to allay suspicion while she sucks the salt out of everybody.

 Okay, so that's salt, Lubriderm...maybe a nice hair brush.  Wait, I'll get a pencil.

Kirk and Spock head back down to the planet to get Mr. Archeologist, who has a phaser for some reason.  I'd have thought in the enlightened future that guns would be banned for civilians so that archeologists on abandoned planets in the middle of nowhere would have to call the cops and then wait three years for them to finally show up to get the Romulans to stop sodomizing their long-mummified corpses.

Kirk accidentally bumps into the ancient stone ruins which shift like Styrofoam and look for a second like they're going to fall apart.  Also, the archeologist apparently learned how to be an archeologist from watching old Earth Indiana Jones movies, and instead of being careful around irreplaceable ancient ruins, blasts the crap out of them.

They get the archeologist up to the ship where he says that McCoy's old squeeze really died a year ago when the salt monster ate her, and that the alien impostor is the last of its kind and when she's gone her species will be extinct like the buffalo.  Since we currently have more buffalo than we know what to do with stomping around this country befouling all our nice clean plains, I figure Starfleet makes eating a buffalo a day mandatory.  This theory is supported by the massive guts of Scotty, Uhura and Shatner in the movies.  Actually, it also explains what really happened to the humpback whales, since it's well past 1987 and right now we've still got tons of them crapping in our nice, clean oceans.

The alien chick shows up wearing McCoy's head at the big meeting where they're trying to figure out what to do with the salt-sucker.  He suggests that they be nice to it, leave out bowls of salt for it at night, sing lullabies to it (if the red pills don't work), and be generally nurturing to it and supportive of its life decisions.  Captain Genius is, of course, not suspicious in the least, and sends Bones off to requisition some Crayons, construction paper and glue to make a card they can all sign to say how much they all love alien salt-eating chicks, but with a drawing of a heart in place of the word "love."

The salt lady still hasn't figured out there is probably salt and pepper sitting out with the ketchup on the tables down in the mess hall, so instead she eats her archeologist pal.

The salt chick shows up in McCoy's quarters, where he's been buzzed on magic red pills all day long.  She says everybody is out to get her and only he can save her and -- unrelated to recent events and definitely not suspicious in any way -- does he happen to have any salt packets left over from McDonald's stashed in his dresser drawer?

Kirk shows up and tells Bones to shoot the monster, but Bones is still tripping on those red bennies, man.  Spock shows up and beats the crap out of a woman yet again.  For the number of times he's beaten up women in this series, the Paramount wardrobe department should have given him a blue tank top or at least a blue T-shirt he could roll his cigarettes up in.

The salt-licker gets zapped with a phaser a few times and turns into a furry toilet plunger-faced monster with a fishing net dress and suction cup fingers.  So you dodged a bullet not marrying her, Bones, because she let herself go even worse than most dames after they get that ring on their suction-cupped finger.

The boys manage to kill the metaphorical buffalo, and they all regroup at the end on the bridge happy as can be, except for Spock who for some bizarre reason is wearing a Hello Kitty Band-Aid with glitter on it stuck to his head.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Now on Smashwords:

The Red Menace #4: A Red Letter Day is now on Smashwords. Which means it's available for download for Apple iPad/iBooks, Nook, Sony Reader, Kobo, and most e-reading apps

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Opening line to Sea No Evil (A Crag Banyon Mystery):


The windows were far too clean and there weren’t any winos sleeping it off on the sidewalk out front, which were strikes one and two, respectively, against the too-tidy bar on the corner of St. Sodom’s Boulevard and Donny Most Drive.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Goofball Review of Goofball Star Trek Episode "Turnabout Intruder"

Starfleet Yellow Information Cracker #24: Why Chicks Can't Be Starfleet Captains.

Hello, fellow Federation citizen!  You may be wondering what to tell your inquisitive female child when she asks why only men are qualified to serve as captains in Starfleet.  We're here to help!  Included below is some instructive dialogue just in case the subject comes up as you're tucking your little one in for the nightly sleep interval.

LITTLE GIRL: Daddy, why can't girls be Starfleet captains?
FATHER: Because, honey, Sulu says their honkers get in the way when they take that sharp turn for Uranus.

Hopefully she'll understand, but since she's just a girl be prepared to repeat.


At the start of this week's Star Trek, the very last episode in the original series, the Enterprise shows up at Cannabis 2, which could also be Cannabis squared, which either way goes a long way to explaining the writing, acting, directing, producing and groovy special effects, man.

On Cannabis, a bunch of scientists led by Janet Lestoil are studying the ruins of an ancient civilization, which look a lot like a Paramount junk-clogged warehouse with three seasons worth of Star Trek crap piled out in the hall.  All the scientists are dead from a fatal unnecessary plot device, and Lestoil and one other guy are all that remain.  It isn't explicitly stated, but I have to assume they saved themselves by hiding out behind the rubber lizard suits and gladiator costumes from seasons past.

Kirk once dated Janet Lestoil, which in this final episode of Star Trek means he's finally got the complete set and has now banged every single woman in the galaxy.  If they'd had a fourth season he would have had to start all over again with something new.  Maybe that's why Sulu is still so mad at William Shatner after forty years.

We learn that Janet wanted to be a Starfleet captain, but wasn't allowed to because she's a dame, and Starfleet ain't no place for no broads, see?  To get her revenge she engineers an amazing parlor trick with a garage door remote control and the body-switching machine that turned Yogi Bear into a chicken. 

Somehow Janet knows that Kirk is going to walk across the room from where she is faking being sick and climb into the cockpit of the machine that switches your brain with a chicken's.  It seems pretty unlikely to me that she'd know this, but she did used to go out with him.  So I guess she knows stuff like how he doesn't like lima beans and that he has a particular obsessive compulsive disorder that makes him climb inside ancient alien gizmos that might be giant garbage disposals.

As soon as Kirk is in position, Janet zaps him with the garage door remote control, then races across the room, puts a pair of tin cups on their heads and flips the "on" switch.  In the most amazing, dazzling special effects sequence in the history of Star Trek, a cartoon silhouette like the one I drew of my head in kindergarten floats out of each of them and switches places.  Which means that Kirk is now a woman in Kirk's body, so maybe Sulu will get that wish after all.

Lady Kirk brings Real Kirk, who is now a lady, over to the bed where he plans on strangling her to death, thus killing the chicken and getting rid of Real Kirk and, I guess, probably Yogi Bear, too, forever.  Unfortunately, the body switch has somehow made Lady Kirk as hammy as William Shatner and he-she takes so much time chewing the scenery that Spock jumps out from behind a rack of old gangster costumes and shouts "aha!"

They all go up to the Enterprise, where Lady Kirk, who everyone thinks really is Kirk, starts marching around the hallways ordering yeomen to tell her if Kirk's shirt makes her look fat.

In the meantime, Kirk wakes up in a woman's body in sickbay, which is pretty much like every drunken Saturday night for him on that stupid ship.

Kirk, who is trapped in a lady's body, says, it's a "bad dream."  It is also bad writing, acting, directing and producing.

In a voice-over captain's log, Janet using Kirk's voice spells out everything she's done and says that by studying the schematics of the ship she knows everything there is to know about it.  Apparently Sulu and Chekov came with the ship along with the cigarette lighter and AM/FM radio, because she knows each of them by name.  Those are some swell schematics.  Also, where is she recording this captain's log; into her hand like the nut who used to peddle around my town on a bike and pretend he was a cop, who's a cab driver now who almost killed me last year?  Because if she plans on turning these logs over to Starfleet, which I assume is what's done once a five year mission is over, I think they'll probably figure out what happened vis a vis Kirk and Janet Lestoil what with her detailed confession and all.  Maybe dames are too stupid to be starship captains after all.

Lady Kirk orders Sulu to throw the ship into reverse.  They were supposed to rendezvous with the Battleship Potemkin and then fly over to planet Batty Origami, but instead she-he wants to take crazy Janet Lestoil to the crappiest medical facility in the universe which, I assume, means time-traveling back to anywhere in America in about three years from now. 

Kirk swishes around with his hands on his hips, asks that a fainting couch be brought up to the bridge and demands to know who keeps leaving the toilet seat up in the officers' men's room.  Bones finds his behavior slightly weirder than normal, since by now he'd ordinarily have knocked up three yeomen and gotten two cases of space clap, so he demands that fake Kirk sashay into sickbay for an exam.

Downstairs, Kirk wakes up in a lady's body again, but still not in a good way, and makes his own voice-over captain's log, probably into his pillow because he's not the captain anymore and hasn't gotten out of bed since he was brought up to the ship from the planet as a lady.

 I have to wait THIS many years for another acting job?

The homely nurse who is married to the producer gives him some soda pop then walks out the door with her ass hanging below her short skirt, so the rest of this will have to be dictated as I am now blind.

Lady Kirk escapes from sickbay, says that he's really Kirk in a lady's body and gets heroically punched out by big, strapping Kirk who, remember, has a lady possessing his body.  I notice that the woman who is playing Kirk in this episode actually is a better actress playing Kirk than Shatner is an actor playing a.) Kirk b.) a lady possessing Kirk and c.) T.J. Hooker.  Maybe Starfleet would have been better off letting broads be captains.

Bones puts Kirk in a tanning booth while Spock sneaks off to question the lady who is really Kirk.  Spock tries the old "hey, your shoe's untied" trick on one of the guards, but somebody in Star Trek finally doesn't look and so does not fall for that stupid, inevitable shoulder pinch. 

Spock cops a feel off lady-Kirk's face, which is kind of creepy but no more so than every other time he's caressed another guy's nostrils.  Creepier is downstairs where Kirk, who is a lady, is crossing the final frontier squeezing the shoulders of some scientist guy.  Somewhere, poor bawling Sulu is making a "captain's log" into his own pillow. 

Spock gets arrested for mutiny and put on trial, where Janet Lestoil in Kirk's body acts hammier than Janet Lestoil when she was in her own body, but somehow mysteriously pretty much just as hammy as William Shatner acts in everybody's body.  She gets so mad that for a minute she and Kirk get body-switched back where they belong in an amazing special effects shot that looks like somebody ran into the room and held her picture up over Kirk's head.

During the trial we keep getting bizarre silent reaction shots from Sulu and Chekov who look like they've been spliced into the scene from the bus stop out in front of Paramount Studios where the two of them will be sleeping for the next decade until Star Trek: The Movie #1.

Janet Lestoil in Kirk's body goes nuts at the trial, orders executions all around, and has Kirk in Janet Lestoil's body locked up with Kirk's pals in a cell that is more poorly guarded than the tilt-a-whirl in a traveling supermarket parking lot carnival.

Up on the bridge, Janet Lestoil in Kirk's body gets mad that Sulu won't let her stick her hand out the window at warp 8 so she can dry her fingernails, plus she almost runs into an asteroid because she's yapping on a communicator with one of her girlfriends and not watching the road.

Suddenly she almost body switches with a chicken again, so she runs downstairs like a hysterical girl, probably because she's got the monthlies. 

Janet and the real Kirk body switch back and everything is back to normal except Kirk is disappointed that he'll have to wait another twenty years before he finally winds up with as big a rack as a man as he had as a woman.

Monday, April 15, 2013

There is no joke too dumb for inclusion in a Crag Banyon story, no boring political correctness to box me in. If it makes me laugh, it's in there. Lord, how I love Banyon's world.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Author Biz

I've got to do a new Facebook picture in one of those wonderfully pretentious, unsmiling, humorless "serious author" poses I see others do. It's just hard to work the camera with my head jammed that far up my rear end.

Monday, April 8, 2013

The 21 year old college student said, "If we hadn't have hitten the pothole." If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, don't. He repeated it. Here's me being controversial: If you get through high school thinking "hitten" is a word you have NO business in college. And if you manage to get to your junior year in college still thinking "hitten" is a word? God help us.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

On all the commercials, the hyperventilating news anchor kept calling it a "frightening ride." A subway train door got stuck in the open position. They had video. Wow, real frightening. But pretty much only if you got up out of your seat, walked down the aisle, climbed down the stairs and jumped from the moving train. I suppose everyone who rode this "frightening ride" is already lining up for PTSD benefits. But, see, wouldn't the human race be improved by the elimination of any moron who sees the open door of a speeding subway train as an opportunity to reenact Spider-Man 2?

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Destroyer movie treatment

I recently found my Destroyer movie treatment from a few years back. It's too bad the producers didn't even look at it (I suspect) and went out and found a couple of writers who knew nothing at all about the Destroyer to make a couple of failed passes at a screenplay. Several years on now, and they still have no movie. My story was a lot of fun and would have been great onscreen. One of these days I'm going to have to plunder it for something else, but it's a shame it never saw the light of day.