The homely nurse sees them in the hallway and tells them she's made Spock some pumice soup, since he's spending all his time moaning in his quarters lately for some mysterious reason. He's also developed acne, gotten all moody, his voice is changing, and he is awkward around girls, but no one can figure out what could possibly be ailing the Vulcan hornball.
Spock has a temper tantrum and throws the soup and the homely nurse out into the hallway, yelling that she can't even cook, which means she has absolutely nothing going for her. He also tells Kirk that he's a fat, fat fatty, says he hates living on the Enterprise, tells Bones he's a stupid-face, and slams his bedroom door so hard he knocks Great Aunt Tillie's picture in the silver frame off the credenza.
Our little Vulcan is growing up.
Bones says Spock will die if he doesn't get some. Forget everything bad I've ever said about him: Bones is the best doctor ever.
Chekov's wig looks like it was stitched together using live rats by blind maniacs in a Peruvian insane asylum, but it's still more realistic than his Russian accent.
Spock tells Kirk that he's going through something called "Poon-Fart," which is a special time in a young Vulcan's life when he is ruled by his underpants, and that he's so far gone even the ship's Quasimodo nurse is starting to look not half-bad. He says marriage is the only way to not go crazy and die, so he must go back to Vulcan and -- employing a 1960s TV euphemism to keep the censors happy -- "take a wife." Obviously Spock is a lot more naive than we thought, since every guy knows the best way to not "take a wife" ever again is to get married.
I notice that during his whole big Poon-Fart explanation to Kirk, Spock has herpes on his lip, so he's apparently "taken a wife" in at least one spaceport already.
The Enterprise is due at some big ceremony on the other side of the galaxy, but if there's one thing James T. Kirk appreciates more than duty it's some good, old-fashioned alien screwing, so he risks his career in order to change course to fly his randy first officer to the nearest Vulcan whorehouse.
At Vulcan, a dame called Titring appears on the monitor and Spock says she's his wife, so Kirk wasted all that gas, will probably get fired by his boss at Starfleet, and now won't even get sloppy seconds at an alien bachelor party, which is pretty much the only reason he flew all the way out there.
Kirk, Spock and Bones beam down to the plywood Vulcan Stonehenge and Spock bangs a dinner gong which is the start of a ceremony called "Canuck Colored Feet."
Apparently Spock isn't technically married to Titring yet, so they must be like one of those couples on Judge Judy who have five kids and have lived together for ten years but never bothered with the piece of paper. "We don't like to define what we've got, so stop imposing your, like, rules on us, man."
Titring stops the Canuck Colored Feet wedding ceremony because she's been two-timing Spock with a guy with even bigger ears and a Mercedes. The Vulcan high priestess who was carried in on two sticks by a bunch of gay Vulcan strippers says Spock is in a blood fever called "Plaque Tower," which is pretty much the Earth equivalent of what a guy feels like when he learns his wife is running off with the garage door repairman.
Titring is eyeballing her big-eared paramour, who is wearing a tinfoil apron, a crocheted Dr. Who scarf around his waist and whose name is Stun. Stun demands to fight Spock, because the men in a purely logical race naturally decide who gets the broad by beating the hell out of each other.
The old lady priestess hollers and Spock gets a pretty purple scarf tied around his waist. These people are somehow heralded far and wide as smart and logical even though everything they do is stupid and makes no sense.
Titring chooses Kirk to be her champion to fight Spock because...oh, who cares? Cut! Bring in the doubles!
Kirk's and Spock's stunt doubles fight with stick weapons that look like a flattened, sharpened hubcap on one end and part of a punching bag on the other. The weapons are apparently effective for the sole purpose of ripping Kirk's shirt in the first two seconds of the fight.
Captain, no means NO!
Spock is so out of his mind with rage over the garage door repairman nailing his fiancee that he nearly murders his innocent best friend. Hey, somebody check a Vulcan dictionary. Maybe all these years "logical" has actually meant "retarded."
The fight to the death is stopped briefly so that Bones can give Kirk an injection that isn't mysterious at all, so don't pay any attention to it. Also, Spock and Kirk are each given a pair of suspenders to fight with by a guy in a football helmet and tinfoil apron.
Spock's suspenders break the dinner gong, so no delicious pumice soup for the field hands tonight.
Spock shoves Kirk into an artificial barbecue pit and for a few seconds all of Vulcan smells like a pig roast, then he strangles him with his suspenders.
If Vulcan is so hot and the air is so thin, shouldn't the temperature and extra oxygen back on the Enterprise make Spock freeze and high all the time?
Bones pronounces Kirk dead, which is funny because I could have sworn he was in all the movies. It must have been some other fat guy in a wig. I always thought Kirk looked a little like that guy T.J. Hooker, so maybe they hired him.
Titring explains why she set this whole thing up, the upshot being that she's a two-timing whore.
Spock calls Titring a logical slut. Not exactly in those words, that's the Cliff's Notes version.
Spock tells off Stun over Titring, telling him that having something isn't the same as wanting it. I figure Stun will find that out himself when she's nagging his big ears off about not making enough money at the tinfoil apron store and then goes out and hires a garage door repairman who mysteriously takes three months to hang the only door in their one-stall garage.
Up on the Enterprise, Spock is so happy to find that Kirk isn't dead after all that he shouts "Jim!" and jumps up and down on the bed like the Hobbits at the end of The Return of the King. Then he clams up and gets all cigar store-Indian again.
Bones says the injection he gave Kirk to help in the fight was actually a mickey that knocked him out, which is a brilliant idea except for the fact that Spock was a rampaging maniac at the time with several times the strength of an ordinary human and McCoy's genius idea was to make it so Kirk couldn't fight back. No, nothing could go wrong with that plan. I take back what I took back up top about Bones' doctoring skills.
The Enterprise flies off into the sunset having learned the valuable lesson that apparently all they have to do to help Spock the next time he gets horned up is let him murder somebody, which is the main theme of Dating Tips for Vulcans by Ted Bundy.
No comments:
Post a Comment