How the Royal Family Is Celebrating the Queen's Diamond Jubilee

--Parading through streets of London in magnificent Parker-Bowles drawn carriage.
--Pouring boiling oil onto heads of peasant well-wishers.
--Replacing real Queen for one week with Dame Edna Everage.
--Digging up Lady Diana Spencer, sticking her head on pike at Westminster Abbey wearing silly, googly eyes on springs.
--Taking "magic feather" from Prince Charles and watching him soar majestically over Buckingham Palace.
--Imprisoning surviving Ronnie in Tower of London.
--At last divulging true location of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to British Muggles.
--Invading France for olde tymes' sake.
--Lifting ban on importation of dental equipment.
--Burning John Cleese at stake for crime of being pompous, unfunny, flatulent jackass since 1979.
--"Friending" Kenneth Branagh on Facebook.
--Loading up the family into royal coach for trip to Sears to get family portrait taken.
--Chaining Queen to rack and forcing her to eat her weight in fish and chips.
--Throwing crappy iPod gift with Obama speeches into Thames.
--Briefly unclenching jaws, buttocks.
--Releasing last dragon into Hyde Park, dispatching Sir Ian McKellen armed only with longbow to kill it for Her Majesty's amusement.
--Asking royal chefs to boil up a big, fancy supper.
--Turning national fog machine to low for one week.
--Suing Royal Gelatin and Royal Crown Cola for copyright infringement.
--Finally revealing that a very young Alistair Cooke was actually Jack the Ripper.
--Donating old tiaras to Salvation Army.
--Free mad cow hamburgers for all the serfs.
--Spending money like crazed, clueless, oversexed, pampered, jug-eared, chinless inbreds.  So no change there.