The episode begins with Kirk, Spock and Bones beaming down to what at first looks like Planet Northern California. They comment on the pine trees, the nearby lake, the scent of honeysuckle in the air and wonder what the odds are that a planet so far from Earth could produce an environment so similar to Earth's. I figure the odds are about 1 to 1 since every planet they ever beam down to is loaded with pine trees, maple trees, Nazis, elm trees, ancient Roman gladiators and birch trees. From what I can tell, when they beam down to Planet Vegas it'd be safe to bet all their dilithium chips that it'll be loaded to the rafters with Earth flora, fauna and Chicago gangsters.
On the planet, they find a giant lawn dart with writing on it and Indians.
We learn that an asteroid is going to wallop the planet and the Enterprise has thirty minutes to warp over and bat it away. It seems like it would have made more sense to whack the thing off its trajectory before they came to Planet Indian, but Mighty Plot God Who Live In Sky has deemed it be so.
Kirk falls through a trap door into the lawn dart's basement and gets electrocuted in the toupee.
Spock explains to McCoy that they have to abandon Kirk on the planet while they fly off to move the asteroid. He demonstrates the danger by using two rocks, one to represent the planet and the other the asteroid. I'm surprised he didn't have Scotty beam down a little dolly in a pretty pink dress to stand in for Kirk. If I was McCoy, I'd take the asteroid rock and the planet rock and demonstrate what impact might be like with Spock's patronizing head in between.
After Spock and Bones leave, Kirk comes out of the giant lawn dart with a smoking wig and amnesia and is discovered by a white woman in red spray paint who takes him to her father the chief who is also white but with red spray paint. I recognize him from an Adam-12 episode where he played a senile old man who stole his daughter's car in Los Angeles because he wanted to get home to somewhere. I don't remember where. Maybe it was Planet Indian. If so, good for you, Chief Drives-At-Warp!
A little kid who fell in the lake is brought into the only wigwam in town and the medicine man says he's dead, but Kirk uses the ancient Earth technique of grossly incompetently administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation combined with the "wiggling of the legs" technique to revive the boy. As a result, he's given the medicine man's scrunchie with the silver ashtray on the front. Uh-oh. Me smell heap big rivalry brewing!
I suddenly notice in the background that one of the extras looks like she might actually be an Indian. Me wonder who let her crash-um party.
Up in space, Spock has reached the asteroid and tries to blow it apart with phasers. It doesn't break, but he does blow the transmission on the Enterprise so Scotty says they'll have to roll all the way downhill back to the planet and that it'll take two months. Apparently Spock forgets that the ship is loaded down with a couple of hundred torpedoes, because he doesn't fire even one. Everyone else forgets too, because no one brings them up. Or maybe they only have one key to the torpedo supply closet and Kirk had it in his pocket when he fell inside the lawn dart.
Back on Planet Indian, Kirk is suddenly wearing Injun pajamas and the chief is walking around in part of a Little Bo Peep costume. Kirk is now "Kirock" because getting zapped in the toupee splits one syllable into two, Kemo Sabe.
Kirk dances around alone on the lawn dart's giant cement platform like Mary Tyler Moore spinning around in downtown Minneapolis and hugs himself while telling himself how happy he is in the most bizarre and creepy voice-over since Norman Bates said he wouldn't harm a fly at the end of Psycho.
I wuv you this much!
Kirk gets dressed in plastic feathers and marries Miramax.
Back on the ship, Spock is tired.
On the planet, Kirk has his shirt off again for some reason. As usual, I forget to time how long it took this week.
On the ship, the Enterprise is nearly to the planet but is still facing the asteroid, which means it backed up the whole way. I don't hear it going beep-beep-beep! but I figure that's just because the sound is being swallowed up by the cold, unforgiving vacuum of space. I just hope there aren't any kids playing ball out near that star system where that Klingon kid got hit on his bicycle last year.
Back on the planet, Kirk as medicine man is supposed to open the lawn dart to get it to shoot a laser at the asteroid, which apparently pops in unannounced all the time like Howard Borden on The Bob Newhart Show. When Kirk doesn't shoot the lawn dart's laser at Howard Borden Asteroid, Walter Matthau seizes his chance to get his scrunchie back by having the spray-painted Indians throw Styrofoam rocks at Kirk and Miramax. So much for the peaceful-loving "noble savage" crapola Spock was peddling at the beginning of the episode. Him bad Vulcan snake oil salesman.
Spock and Bones show up, and Spock asks, "Why were you being stoned?" I figure it's because they probably sat for five minutes in the writer's room with the door closed that week.
Spock finds Kirk's memory under the sofa cushions and gives it back to him. Kirk tries to remember what he said two months ago that opened the trapdoor in the lawn dart. Since Kirk was in contact with the ship at the time of his disappearance, it seems to me that the Enterprise would have the last communication of the captain on file on one of those plastic poker chips they're always carrying around, but that wouldn't be dramatic enough so we have to wait for a guy who has been suffering from amnesia for two months to remember.
Spock and Kirk get inside the lawn dart and fire a laser at the nuisance Howard Borden Asteroid and it goes back to its own apartment.
Back at the wigwam, Bones tells Kirk that Miramax has too many internal injuries to save her. He just shoved Spock's brain back in his head two episodes ago and in one of the movies he regrew some old lady stranger's kidney with one pill, but Kirk's Indian wife apparently isn't worth the effort to call up to the ship for a prescription bottle of spleens.
Kirk lucks out and Miramax dies before she gets lazy like turtle and fat like buffalo and starts nagging him all day long for a bigger teepee like the Walks-In-Cloudses down the block.
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