Goofball Review of Goofball Star Trek episode "The Enemy Within"

In a captain's log voiceover at the start of this week's Star Trek, Captain Kirk informs us that the planet they're stomping around on gets to 120 degrees below zero at night.  It's daytime, so it is very peculiar that he doesn't mention anything about the current weather conditions like, say, the humidity, barometric pressure or how that one bunch of puffy white clouds looked like a kitty cat.  It's almost like he knows that that 120 degree below zero thing, although unimportant right now, will soon become significant somehow.  For the life of me I can't imagine how, since he's confident that everybody will soon be beaming off the planet and into a nice warm pair of wool socks.

Geological Technician Fisher, who I assume will be dead in about two minutes, falls off some Styrofoam scaffolding, hits his head on a papier-mâché rock and gets sent back to the Enterprise.  He materializes with yellow paint all over his coveralls, so I figure he was intercepted by some of those interstellar PETA wackos who are always tossing simulated yellow blood all over everyone whose coveralls are made from flying Andorian flipper beasts.  Meat is murder!  Ban the photon torpedo!  No blood for dilithium crystals, etc! 

Scotty runs a car buffer on Fisher for a little bit to make sure everything is okay, then Armor Alls his tires, hangs a pine-scent air freshener on his rearview mirror and rolls him out of the transporter room.

Kirk beams up next and we know the end is nigh when -- horror of horrors -- Captain Confident stumbles a little getting off the transporter pad.  Mr. Swashbuckling Swaggerpants apparently isn't allowed to stub his toe, so everybody runs from the room in a panic to call the newspapers.  While they're gone, a second Captain Kirk appears on the transporter pad even though in every episode before and after it has been established that the machine doesn't work unless someone is there to push those sound amp buttons.  This would be like your blender turning on after you've left the room and making smoothies without you.

We know this second Kirk is evil because of the creepy camera angle that looks up his nose, the way he fondles the beaming controls, and the gobs of extra mascara.

Good Kirk is in his room running around with his shirt off and his gut sucked in; somewhere there's a poodle with a rhinoceros horn; and Evil Kirk tries to rape Yeoman Thatch Head, who is wearing less mascara than him. 

Here's where that button that directly linked Yeoman Thatch Head to the bridge a couple weeks ago would have come in handy.  One poke of that button, a scream for help and the Red Shirt cavalry would come a-running.  Evil Kirk must have been planning this even when he was still stuck inside Good Kirk, because obviously somebody disabled that button.  So instead of being able to holler upstairs to Spock, Yeoman Thatch Head is stuck with throwing pillows and Precious Moments figurines at Evil Kirk while he chases her around her room with his pants down.

Yeoman Thatch-for-brains scratches Evil Kirk and he runs out of the room like a vampire that's been doused with holy water.  For good measure he beats up poor Geological Technician Fisher who was listening at the door with a glass pressed to his ear.  So let's take stock, shall we: so far Evil Kirk gets into unnecessary fist fights and sexually assaults women.  And I'm supposed to see this as a great departure from a normal day at the office for "Good" Kirk how?

Down in sickbay, Yeoman Thatch Head is recovering from her assault, and Good Kirk tells her, "Lady, you got the wrong guy, see?"  Geological Technician Fisher comes stumbling out of the broom cupboard and swears to the cops on a stack of bibles it was Kirk.  I've never seen Geological Technician Fisher before or after this episode.  After nearly being killed in a harrowing Styrofoam avalanche, he gets doused with yellow highway paint, then beat up by his boss whom he later calls a lying rapist.  I'm assuming after this worst day of his career, he was transferred from the Enterprise to the garbage scow U.S.S. George McGovern to spend the rest of his backbreaking career shoveling Kirk's used prophylactics into the furnace.

Science genius Spock takes a million light years to figure out there is an "impostor" onboard, but once he comes to that conclusion it doesn't occur to him or any of the other heroic fellas in sickbay that's it's probably a good idea to keep Yeoman Thatch Head under guard seeing as how her rapist who looks like the captain is still wandering around out there somewhere.  They tell the rape victim to toughen up, put some ice on it and send her home.  I'm an insensitive misogynist lout here in 2013 but apparently in the 23rd century I'd be friggin' Alan Alda.

Good Kirk runs up to the bridge and announces on the loudspeaker that there's a horny impostor on the ship and the only difference between him and the usual horny captain is that Evil Kirk has scratches on his cheek. 

The scene cuts to Evil Kirk listening to the announcement and somehow he clairvoyantly reaches up to his cheek before Good Kirk mentions the scratches.  I figure this is evidence that he's so evil that he clearly skipped ahead in the script, and I hope he doesn't reveal the surprise ending.  I mean, do we ever find out who Evil Kirk really is?  Don't tell me...he's Martin Landau in a rubber mask!

Evil Kirk figures out that he needs to cover up the scratches on his face with makeup, so he starts smearing tan blush on his cheek.  I figure when he grabs up the makeup that he must be lurking around some dame's quarters with his phaser out again, but it turns out he's in Kirk's quarters.  So he-man Captain Kirk keeps women's cosmetics in his room.  I'm just glad that Yeoman Wicker Hair didn't sock him in the mouth because I don't think I could bear the sight of William Shatner smearing on lipstick while singing "I Feel Pretty!"

Meantime, back on the planet, Sulu and a bunch of guys are stranded in the 120 degree below zero weather.  Since Kirk announced the temperature drop for seemingly no reason in that captain's log earlier, maybe he read ahead in the script too.

Sulu is spooning with the guys to share body warmth.  "Dear Diary, it's George.  I just had my best day on the set ever!" 

We find out that the Enterprise couldn't beam down "thermal heaters" because the machines doubled in the beaming process and stopped working.  So, complex living organisms can be duplicated with no problems and each half can go on his merry, horny way, but a toaster with eight working parts can't.  Okay, so why not send down...oh, I don't know...blankets, quilts, mittens, tents, gloves, scarves, hats, thermal underwear, boots, afghans, bun warmers, coats?  Even some matches and sticks would be nice.  Instead, Sulu and the others are left down on Planet Antarctica with nothing but flimsy yellow uniform pajamas and one thin sheet of plastic tarp each.

In a voiceover, Kirk says the transporters are "inoperable," which works, yeah, but not as well as "inoperative."  If someone goes back in time please change this word in the script because there was a better one available and it annoyed me.

  It's first-rate, understated acting like this that wins Emmys in the future.  In fact, I'll be sharing one for the Hallmark Hall of Fame version of "Of Mice and Men" with time-traveling Shemp Howard in 2025.

As usual everybody forgets that the Enterprise has shuttles that can fly down and save Sulu and the others.  Also, why does a ship that size with a crew of over 400 only have one transporter that can only move six people at once, especially since the thing is always breaking down?  If they ever have to abandon ship there's only room for six, which means Chekov, Uhura and Sulu will be fighting like girls to not be the odd man out.  (I give the edge to Uhura in that cage match.)

The two Kirks meet and everybody realizes that it's just the various aspects of Kirk's personality split into two separate people.  One is aggressive, violent and wears lots of makeup, the other is a spineless, wig-wearing doughboy who wears slightly less makeup. 

Good Kirk says, "I have to take him back inside myself."  No kidding.  And this doesn't sound creepy to anyone.  So poor Sulu finally had his chance and he's stuck down on an ice planet with no mittens.

Hey, why would the two Kirks weigh the same?  If Kirk was, say, 180 pounds and was split in half, wouldn't each of him only weigh 90 pounds?  And how does the Incredible Hulk's weight increase when he changes from Dr. Banner?  Where does the extra weight come from?  I don't think anybody ever thinks any of this stuff through.

They decide to send the dog with the horn through the transporter.  They beamed it around before and it split into two halves, one docile, the other pit bull.  When they beam it back, it turns into one dead dog.  But, wait, if the transporter is splitting everything in two, shouldn't there be four dead dogs?  Or shouldn't they at least be worried that they might wind up with four dead dogs?  And if they ran it through enough times would they have enough dead dogs to cater a Vietnamese Thanksgiving dinner for the whole crew?

Bones says of the dog, "He's dead, Jim."  Hey, that's a good line.  Maybe he should use that one again sometime.

Spock says he has a human and an "alien half."  He grew up on Vulcan and hates being human.  Wouldn't he consider his human half to be the alien half?  And is there really such a thing as an "alien" -anything anymore when every other guy you meet has blue or green skin and a novelty shop pig nose?

Good Kirk is left alone with Evil Kirk who is strapped to a bed in sickbay.  Good Kirk unfastens the straps and lets himself go.  So much for Spock's theory that Good Kirk got "intellect" along with the fancy China service-for-eight in the divorce.

Evil Kirk beats up good Kirk and scratches his face...  Wha'?!  Why, now they look exactly alike!

Instead of shooting them both and letting Allah sort it out, everybody stands back and lets Evil Kirk have a nervous breakdown on the bridge.  They realize that they can tell he's Evil Kirk because of the weird camera angles.

Evil Kirk is subdued and Good Kirk hugs him a little too snugly on the transporter pad.  For some reason Evil Kirk has his back to us the whole time so we don't see his face.  Also, he appears to be taller and in better shape than Good Kirk.  He must have also got "height" and "muscle tone" when they were split apart.  Also "real hair."

They beam both Kirks out into space and pull one back in.  He immediately orders them to beam up Sulu and the others, and they do so pronto.  But when Kirk was first split into two Kirks, there was a delay before Evil Kirk showed up.  Shouldn't they at least wait five seconds to see if Dopey Kirk or Grumpy Kirk appear before risking a shipload of frostbitten Sulus running around all over the place?

Back up on the bridge everything turned out just swell.  Spock actually smiles and says to Yeoman Thatch Head that Evil Kirk had some "interesting qualities."  Yeah, he violently attacked her and tried to rape her.  How interesting.  If I were her, I'd "interesting" a knee to Spock's groin and then repeatedly interesting my boot to his head until his interesting rubber ears fell off.