The show begins with the Enterprise circling a computer generated planet that Paramount restorationists recently inserted to take the place of the original Sixties spray-painted tennis ball on a string. On the ship, Kirk, Chekov and Uhura are supposed to beam down to the planet for some blibbidy-bloo nonsense reason, but the plot doesn't want them there. Instead, they materialize on some far-distant world that challenges the frontiers of imagination, provided the camera doesn't pan more than eight feet up the orange bedsheet backgrounds to reveal the studio lights, soundstage ceiling and fat Teamsters hanging out in the rafters.
The landing party winds up lying on the ground, and Kirk and Chekov hop to their feet but leave Uhura sitting on her rear. Chivalry is almost nonexistent now; thank God man grows in sophistication so much that we kill the little bugger completely off by the 24th century. So, Space Gloria Steinems of the Planet Hear Me Roar: open your own damn doors.
Kirk and his pals are immediately set upon by a gang of space hooligans. There's a gorilla caveman with a mouth packed full of cotton who's apparently just come from that bad dentist my family used to go to when we were kids. There are two chicks, one with Phyllis Diller's fake eyelashes and Loni Anderson's plastic WKRP-era hair -- but in green -- and a tinfoil bra. The other dame has a sno-cone orange wig, a Groovy Guru one-piece bathing suit and is covered in yellow spray paint. Last is Space Elvis. Kirk takes the King of Rock & Roll, bravely gives runt Chekov the hulking caveman and leaves Uhura to deal with the two broads. The bad guys have fishing gaffs that could haul in a whale, or at least Scotty circa Star Trek 6. All the good guys are armed with is Kirk's plastic ray gun which stops working because the plot broke it. They are taken prisoner, while I hope Kirk's phaser is still under warranty.
Fu Manchu appears and says they are now all slaves. He's got a bad skin condition, Legos stuck to his neck and, from the side, his giant Ming the Merciless collar looks like a baby's red plastic car seat. Everyone is issued a silver electric dog collar that goes off if they try to play in the street.
Each member of the landing party is assigned a slave to teach them the ropes. I was sure Kirk was going to get Space Elvis after their sweaty, homoerotic fight in the courtyard, so imagine my surprise when the babe with the green hair shows up in his cell. She announces that she's Kirk's "drill thrall," and I'm surprised Kirk doesn't wink at the camera and tell us, "Aren't they all?" She has a tray of room service and tells him, "It is the nourishment interval," which makes me wonder why there are words for "rock," "tree," and "water" in outer space but not for "lunch."
Kirk tells her she's beautiful and proves it by holding up his food tray so she can see her reflection. This chick has to be thirty and it never occurred to her to look at herself in a reflective surface. I am confident that when Starfleet's answer to Abraham Lincoln frees these people by episode's end that they'll all do juuuuust fine.
Kirk is made to fight the caveman with the cotton in his mouth whose weapons of choice are a whip and a Halloween ghost decoration with the head-stuffing removed. Kirk beats him with a patented Shatner flying kick while the whole gang watches, including the sno-cone haired babe, whose yellow spray-paint job is now green. That shrimp she selected from the menu for her nourishment interval must have been past its sell-by stardate.
Cut to a new scene, and Kirk's shirt is suddenly off! I wish I'd timed how long it took this week.
Kirk woos Green Hair near a busted-up Styrofoam wall on a two mile jog away from town. He makes out with her, naturally, and a voice from the sky yells at him to knock it off. Fu Manchu appears to bring them back, and from the side his neck Legos look more like that blinking electronic Simon game.
Kirk, Chekov and Uhura escape from their cells after Kirk socks Green Hair in her glass jaw. They are immediately caught. It apparently didn't occur to Kirk that if Booming Sky Voice can see him at the Styrofoam ruins two miles from town, it can see him at the town square twenty feet from their cells in downtown Triskelion. And this guy got to be a starship captain how?
Kirk eventually ends up in a cavern beneath the planet with giant water heaters painted on the walls and a clear plastic dome that looks like a huge version of that popper thing from the old Trouble board game. There are three glowing plastic brains inside, one yellow, one green and one red.
Pop a six and you move twice!
The Trouble cup in the water heater brain cave runs the planet, and it makes a deal with Kirk that will either free the Enterprise, which is now in orbit, or enslave everyone onboard. All Kirk has to do is fight three people to the death. One is the caveman with the cotton in his mouth. We already don't like him because he whipped Kirk earlier, so good guy TV morality dictates he can go by the hero's own hand. Space Elvis is number two, armed only with a badminton net. Kirk kills him by making someone else do it, which, I guess, gives him a clean conscience but doesn't make the King any less dead. The third guy is one of the blue heads from an earlier episode, and I guess he must get injured and tag another wrestler to take his place because all of a sudden Lady Green Hair is back with her gaffing hook and murder in her eyes.
She sits on Kirk and wriggles. Kirk sits on her and wriggles. The fight is a draw even though the Trouble popper said all fights were to the death, and Kirk and the rest are allowed to beam up while bad 1960s TV romance music screeches and the babe with the green wig nearly cries her Phyllis Diller eyelashes off.
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