In the opening scene, the Enterprise arrives in orbit around Planet Giddyup. We're told it's a paradise, but for some reason the Giddyuppians won't let anyone actually see how idyllic the joint is. No one on the Enterprise is suspicious that this "no flash photography, please" rule maybe means the place ain't as swell as Giddyup claims. Giddyup also claims that their basement is as clean as a whistle, their garage isn't crammed full of broken skis and used car batteries, and that they've Swiffered the whole planet, even the tippity-tops of those hard-to-reach mountains.
Only one person is permitted to beam down, so of course a non-vital senior officer with diplomatic credentials is sent to represent the Federation. Oops. Wait. Nope. It's Kirk.
Spock recites the coordinates that the Giddyuppians have sent like he's reading farsighted Kirk the number to the White House switchboard or McDonald's corporate headquarters. I'm sure the fact that they've just had Spock tell us a series of numbers a mile-long won't have any bearing on anything later on in the episode.
Kirk beams off the Enterprise but materializes back in the transporter room of what appears to be the Enterprise. There is no one on the ship and just as Kirk begins to panic that he won't have anyone to bang this episode, a crazy babe in a wrapping paper dress dances up the corridor. Crisis averted.
The crazy chick says her name is O'Donnell and she doesn't know how she got there or where she came from. If she's looking for an abstract physiology lesson, boy did she ever pick the wrong guy to ask where babies come from.
All of a sudden we're back on the real Enterprise. Everyone is still there at their blipping, bleeping consoles, including some guy in a blue shirt who sits in Spock's chair with his arms crossed like a seat-warmer at the Oscars doing nothing for the whole rest of the episode. This guy's getting a check from Starfleet and Paramount for doing nothing all day long. And I think I saw him lugging a block of WIC cheese onto the turbolift at the end of the show.
The Nazi Diana Ross and his baldheaded Supremes who run Giddyup tell Spock that Kirk never arrived, but promise they'll conduct a ruthless, door-to-door search for him in every attic from here to Amsterdam.
Back on the fake Enterprise, the ship appears to be zooming through space, so to address the problem of a missing crew and a runaway ship, Starfleet's greatest captain shakes the crazy broad, makes out with her, shakes her some more, then takes her to his quarters to play some Barry White and show her his ceiling mirror. Okay, yes, this one actually is a hot babe, but Kirk doesn't even try to contact Starfleet. I'd probably fiddle with the knobs on the radio first.
Twenty-four minutes in I realize that if William Shatner didn't pause for fifteen seconds between each word, this episode would be ten minutes long.
Kirk is convinced this is his ship, even though we now know that it isn't. Wouldn't there be at least one stain on one console somewhere on the ship where his coffee mug sat without a coaster that has been there since he took over as captain but which he notices is now suddenly mysteriously missing? How would the Giddyuppians who built the fake Enterprise with plywood and glue out in the backyard know every little chip and ding and stain that might be on the ship, let alone what books Kirk has in his quarters, how many wig stands Chekov owns and which Vulcan Justin Beiber poster Spock has hanging on his wall? And how would they have access to Kirk's log voice recordings? Couldn't he try to play them back only to find out they no longer exist and begin to realize that this isn't his ship after all? Nah, Kirk doesn't bother to check any of those things since he's too busy making out in front of the window with the chick he just met.
All of sudden a bunch of leering creeps in green unitards are peeking in on them. Kirk, whose crew is lost and whose ship has been hijacked, is too busy making out and doesn't notice them. Is there something that's the opposite of Viagra, because this guy needs the maximum strength dosage. How about Flintstone's chewable vitamins with Sarah Jessica Parker's Hee-Haw donkey face on them?
"My God, whatever these ghoulish creatures are, they are truly horrifying specimens."
"Yes, especially the fat one in the wig and the yellow velour circus shirt."
"Yes, especially the fat one in the wig and the yellow velour circus shirt."
The Nazi leader of Giddyup allows Spock to beam up a baldie Supreme from the council chamber, then back down again. Spock realizes that the numbers Space Hitler gave this time don't match the coordinates he gave the first time for Kirk to beam down to. And here I thought they were just reading twenty numbers at the start of the show just to kill time.
Kirk hears drums pounding on the ship and says they sound like a thousand heartbeats. Then he makes out with the chick he just met again and this time he sees the unitard peeping toms staring in the window at them. Then the alien chick who he's just met and who he's been making out with the whole episode gets sick. I'm surprised I don't see any rampaging cold sores. Then she passes out.
The Nazi leader of Giddyup walks out a door like Allen Funt, but at least he's not doubled over and wiping his eyes from phony laughter. We learn from Space Hitler that the Giddyuppians built this huge, elaborate, multistoried working replica of the Starship Enterprise because they wanted Kirk to sneeze on the chick.
Giddyup was a paradise, Space Hitler says, until everyone stopped getting sick and started living forever. Now all they can do is march around shoulder-to-shoulder in unitards and look in each others' windows. They wanted Kirk to get the girl, who is Space Hitler's daughter, sick with terminal genital warts so that she could spread them to the whole planet and everyone can die. Ah, so it's the OVERPOPULATION episode of Star Trek, where we humans here in the far-off distant 1960s past on Earth need to learn to stop making babies or we'll eventually be stuffed in a unitard and forced to look in a window at horny William Shatner.
Let me think.
No, Sarah Jessica Parker is still worse.
Kirk wants to spend a couple of days flying around the planet shoveling IUDs out the shuttle bay door, but the Nazi nixes the idea and says they really have their hearts set on this mass-suicide thing. It's a shame they don't listen to Kirk, because if anyone in the galaxy is an expert on not getting broads knocked up, it's James T. Kirk.
I wonder why if the Giddyuppians can build a starship on the surface of their planet good enough to fool a starship captain, they didn't build it up in the air and fly off to another planet in it instead of settling on mass suicide. I also wonder who is making all those unitards they're wearing, since we're told there's no room to do anything on the whole planet but stand shoulder-to-shoulder next to other people. Tailors have to be sitting down somewhere to make those unitards on their Singer sewing machines. And they must be eating stuff, so there must be farmland. And why if they can build a perfect replica of a starship, don't they at least think to build their buildings...I don't know...up? It seems to me that very tall buildings in major cities and a fleet of ships ferrying pioneer settlers to other nearby planets would be preferable to voluntarily infecting your entire world with a dose of Kirk's jambalaya of 1001 exotic alien social diseases.
Spock shows up with his whistling transistor radio. He beats up Blue Man Group and beams Kirk back to the real Enterprise, even though we're told earlier in the episode that the Giddyuppians block everything with planet-wide shields.
On the Enterprise, Bones cures O'Donnell and wonders why he only had two lines these past two weeks.
The disease is dormant in O'Donnell, but she's still a carrier, so she beams back down to Giddyup to set up a kissing booth at the state fair so she can French-genocide down the population and everyone can live happily ever after except for the quadrillions of people who Captain Kirk, because he now knows the plan, indirectly murders with his Romulan gonorrhea.
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